Tag Archives: Nonviolent Communication

Looking for support to join the International Intensive Training(IIT) of Nonviolent Communicaton(NVC) in Srilanka. 

Dear Friends, There is an IIT happening from July 26 to August 4, 2017, in Srilanka and I intend to join it. The learning from here will deepen my understanding of NVC and support me in my work on sharing NVC back home. I have been offering NVC and this time I just want to go in a place where I can focus on my deepening of NVC. To know more about the program see http://www.cnvc.org/iit/2017-sri-lanka-iit

I am writing this to seek financial support of Rs 43,000 (670 US$) to Join it and would like to share why being here is important for me. This would cover my travel and contribution for the program. I am sharing my expense sheet  for transparency https://goo.gl/wsHA79,   If you need any clarification please write to me at shamminanda@gmail.com.

This IIT is  special for me not just for the trainers who are coming but I have a sense of connection with the Srilanka NVC community as I have been there twice to offer NVC trainings and I would be knowing a lot of people coming for the IIT. I would like people in this subcontinent to make alliance and support each other. See more about my sharing in Srilanka at https://goo.gl/yJiNtJ,  https://goo.gl/kXaRRj and https://goo.gl/EoUvFHI

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Sharing NVC with Ben, Ramanusha, Fazal, Sivantha and Priya

I also appreciate the work of Jim and Jory, especially their Matrix about ‘Pathways to Liberation’. I have grown a lot in my nvc practice after seeing this work. I have heard a lot about them and would like to spend time with them.

I have learnt a lot from Katherine, especially on engaging with power and moving away from power over to power with. I have also learnt valuable work from her on healing old pain and have offered it to support other people.

I also feel connected to Ramanusha, as we have offered NVC trainings together where she was a co trainer and translation support and we share the vision of bringing NVC to people from all sections of the society and those in conflict situation. I have lot to learn from her on this kind of work as she is experienced with sharing NVC in areas of conflict.

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Sharing NVC at farm, hosted by Trudy and Sion. 

Sabine, is also coming, who is working on community supported certification processes, which is also my interest as I have been working on challenges that arise from degrees and certification while want to create more wholesome ways for evaluating  the knowledge, skills and integrity of people who share NVC and the way they do it. Besides I have shared platform with her and co-facilitated Restorative Circles.

We also have Dunia Hategekimana from Rwanda. I see that I would like to understand how he sees the context of his regions and how it impacts his ways of sharing and practicing NVC and its form. I see a sense of shared past with Africa, and this is the first time I would be meeting a person from Africa and of colour who is a certified NVC trainer and would like to know about his challenges.

I would also like to share with the people there about the work that Ahimsagram is doing in India and want to invite people to be with us. Besides, we are also offering a training with Miki Kashtan in Jan 2018 on Transforming Organisations Through Collaborative Processes, and I would like to share about the offering so they can understand better in order to make an informed choice about joining us. This will also deepen the learning of NVC in this region and build stronger bonds.

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Once you transfer the money or want to transfer it, please write to me at my mail id shamminanda@gmail.com

You could transfer the money through Paytm at +91-9486083163 or

to my bank account here:

Acct Holder: Shammi Nanda, 

Bank & Branch Name: ICICI Bank, Johari Bazaar, Jaipur

Acc No.: 031501000505

IFSC CODE: ICIC0000315

PAN Card No.: ACTPN8435D

Looking forward to the needed support from those who have a shared vision with me and would like to see it flourish and would like to contribute to make it happen.
Warmly
Shammi Nanda
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Filed under Community Building, Conflict Transformation, Gift Culture, Nonviolent Communication(NVC), NVC, Restorative Circles, Uncategorized

‘See me beautiful’ – A day of Compassionate Communication at Green Souls, Mumbai

This day long workshop is based on Nonviolent Communication (NVC) of Marshall Rosenberg. It supports us in creating a world where we can express our beautiful needs while holding care for other people, in a language devoid of any blame or shame!

Date: 30th July, 2015.

Venue: Green Souls Community, Kharghar. For Directions sms shammi at 9486083163

Time: 10 am to 5 pm.

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We will learn to hear needs and longings of others in their difficult statements/’judgements’ instead of any blame or wrongness and to express our own needs or longings along with clear requests instead of speaking a language of judgments so we can find solutions that work for all the people present in the situation.

The workshop will be facilitated by Shammi Nanda. We will be hearing concepts of NVC from him as well as do role plays from our day to day situations to learn this new way of engaging. To know about him see https://courageouscommunication.wordpress.com/about/ To know more about NVC go to www.cnvc.org
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Your contributions and the spirit of Gift: You are free to choose how you want to support Shammi.  He is putting his energy into bringing NVC and other modalities for conflict resolution like ‘Restorative Circles’ and consent decision making systems like Sociocracy in our communities and organisations. To know more about some of his dreams and the support that he is looking for see https://goo.gl/a0GbEn

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You can hear the voice of your heart to decide what you want to offer him. You can support  with financial offering or with promise of any other skills and resources that you would like to share  to support his vision.

FOOD: You are requested to bring your vegetarian tiffin for a potluck lunch and are welcome to share your lunch with other participants of the workshop!

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For confirming your participation, mail to connect@greensouls.in

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“How do I communicate Nonviolently with my house help?”

I heard this question in a workshop in India. “How to engage nonviolently with my house help when things don’t go the way I want them to go?”

I see a larger generic aspect to this question – can one communicate ‘nonviolently’ in a world with structural power differences.

I am always challenged by this question when people talk of communicating ‘nonviolently’ with their subordinates or people working in a hierarchical system where the power relations and work have not been joyfully chosen by all the people participating in the particular system. Where the consent of the worker or subordinate role is there but given a choice they may not even be there if their financial situation was different. People are not there for the intrinsic love of the work.

Often my heart is with the person who I see as not having power in the situation and comes in my way of supporting the ones who I perceive as having more power structurally. That’s is some thing that I need to be working on and by seeing the humanity of the people who are supposedly holding more structural power. At the same time in my day to life there are enough spaces where I hold more structural power over people and groups just by my position in the society.

So when we are dealing with some one who comes to our house to clean the utensils and the person gets much less of what I earn, their house is much smaller, they don’t have the access to the kind of food I have, they don’t have the same social status, they speak a different language, they could come from another region of the country, etc… how do I create a ‘heartful’ connection when they are working for me in such structures. Here the challenge is intense because I have to some times do much more to offset the structural imbalances too. I have to assure them that I see them as much a human as me and their needs too on the same plane as mine. But the question to introspect is do I really see them in that way?

I came up with some areas where we can act differently to build that relationship.

According to me first condition for Nonviolent Communication(NVC) is mutuality and the desire to create connection with the person and not just to get our things done. NVC is not to get just the homework done or your house help to do all that you want at any cost. It calls you to be wanting to look for solutions which might be exciting for both you and your house help in that moment. It asks you to be open to get impacted by what they say, to be open to let go or modify your strategy and look for strategies that will work for both of you.

When I say desire to connect does not mean that the person has to work with you at all costs, you can even disengage with the person and ask them to leave but in your heart you try understand the other person or feel connected to them. Also in my understanding NVC does not mean that people will not disengage or go their different paths as I believe that even that can happen from an open hearted space.

  1. Self Empathy: To fully understand and empathise with my own need in that moment, it could be understanding or trust or connection or even care for your family members whose life depends on the support of your house help. I realised that most important in a situation with the house help was the need to nourish and nurture your dear ones and when that is not happening it could be easy to get disturbed or frustrated.
  1. To see the need of the person I am in conflict not just once in a week or once a month but to be aware of it during every moment of the conflict. To be able to see that their needs could also be changing every moment in the conversation and how to become aware and present to it.
  2. To make sure that my house help or subordinate is feeling assured that I have understood them or their needs or its just that I may think that I understand them. Often I may be thinking that I understand the other person but it’s a total different ball game that the other person is reassured that you have really understood them. This understanding also could be just understanding of the words of the other person, or their deeper needs behind the words. Its more important to understand the latter which is also a way the empathy reaches the other person.

It could be useful to acknowledge the structural imbalances and even mourn them with the other person. Once we become aware of the structural issues one day we might even act to change the structures at our personal or at societal level.

One simple way to understand power relations is to see my self in the role of the subordinate and look for what all you I had wanted from my ‘superior’ and that might help me to get into the shoes of the subordinate. How much I want my so called ‘superior’ to understand me, can I offer that space when I am in a position of power.

The flip side is that when I am having less power that my superior how do I humanise them instead of demonising them in challenging situations. As Miki says “Empathy goes upwards with great difficulty” My next post will be to write about such challenges, how do I gain power with care and turn a power under situation into ‘power with’.

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Creating a ‘No Blame’ Zone’!

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I am enjoying the commitment to create such spaces or atleast strive to do so. We talk of Zero Waste Zones why not have a no blame zone. During this workshop I got to reflect a lot on how does blame enter into our system and what we can do to undo it. I realized that most of the blame comes when we have a story of ‘wrongness’ or ‘I know it’ or ‘what a stupid thing to do’ which turns some times into a self righteousness. This story then some times comes out explicitly in our words and actions as blame and some times it leaks out in more subtle ways sounding as blame. Moment the other person hears a sense of wrongenss from us their guard is on and we get some quick retort or a silence!

Habitually we see that when some thing is not working out I often begin to look out for who did the ‘wrong’ in that situation.

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One way to get out of this is to see the story of the other person, to dig deep and see why on earth the other person did what they did. That is also more like seeing the other with more empathy. Looking for their deeper needs.

During our time together at this workshop in Gurgaon, we practiced Empathy in difficult situations, even where the other person is highly charged.  We all realised how little do we empathise or are capable to do it when some one is shouting at us or making difficult statements and more so when we have the enemy images of the other person. Some of us realised that times we have the impression that we are empathising with the other but we realised what we have been doing is justification or reaction or going with our own crappy story like a broken record and in fact simple blaming the other person shamelessly!

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Though I say one part is seeing the needs of the other and its equally important to see my own needs to get out of the blame story. I will see that I am unhappy as I have some needs and which could be unmet for ages and I cant expect that other have always signed up to meet my needs and if they do so, then what is their good reason to do it…When I share my needs its important I let them be known to the other person with concrete requests also.

I am glad we at least got to realise that there is much more we can do. We will be meeting soon once again with the emerging NVC community in Gurgaon very soon to have a more in depth NVC sharing.

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I also dont mean that we will be nice to avoid blame and shut up, its important we express whats important to us and not just shut up our of fears…which is not easy but we can surely try to strive towards it.

The title is inspired by works of Francois Beausoleil, He is happy that I am using his title! The Workshop was held at Grannies and Co hosted with them. Grateful to support from Ritu Mathur and Manas and the community which holds the organic farmers market  in Gurgaon!

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A story about Un-jobbing…walking out se we can walk on…

This is the story of how a small conversation can make some one leave their job and to rethink on where they want to go. Its a story of ‘walking out – walking on’ I am amazed at the wisdom of Nonviolent Communication and how it allows me to support people around to get clarity on what they really want.

As I was leaving Findhorn after the New Story Summit on 4th October,  I had to go to a nearby town Forres, from where I had to take a short distance train to Inverness and from there finally take an overnight bus to London. I was just wishing I get a lift to Forres so I don’t have to wait for the local buses with my stuff. At that moment I  heard some one talk of a drive to Forres.  I asked her if she had space in the car and she can give me a lift and she said “yes”. So me and two more people, Hege and Sylviane, whom I just met that time,  got on the car for a ride to Forres Train station. I was happy to see that when I need some thing it comes to me.

At Forres I was trying to buy a train ticket for Inverness  at the automatic machine when Hege,  who  was with us and also travelling on the same train just bought a ticket for me.  I was pleasantly surprised. I appreciated her gesture by saying – “Oh! I am experiencing lot of abundance” and she smiled at me.

She was talking about buying food for the journey. I often travel with enough food to feed a meal to two more people, I said – “I can offer food in the train.” She told me, “We will get the food at the next station, why don’t you instead tell us about NVC in the train”. I said I was happy with the idea of sharing NVC on a half an hour train ride to Inverness. Some how Hege was tired and wanted to rest but Sylviane was enthusiastic about it. I talked about my understanding of NVC to Sylviane and she shared the story at  her office where she is not happy with her job. We looked at her need and she was happy to realize that she wanted community, creativity and a sense of meaning and purpose. I was wanting to support her to figure out about requests but our stations came and we had to stop our conversation.

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Later on, after a few days, I got a mail from Sylviane where she  wrote about how our conversation supported her. She wrote:

Dear Shammi, 

 I hope you’re well and had a safe journey to Devon. 

 I really appreciate your sharing of Non Violent Communication tools on the train to Inverness. I’ve had a chance to use the Observation, Feeling, Needs, Request tool at the work place, and it was helpful. Thank you.

If you’re around London, give me a buzz, and we could go have a cup of tea.

 I wish you some happy discoveries and great learning in the UK. 

 Best,

Sylviane

Seeing her mail I was curious on what transpired and how my sharing helped her. I asked her to tell more on her experience at the office. She wrote back to me with more details.

“I used your techniques to explain to my boss how I felt about our interactions, namely ‘fear’ and ‘ashamed’ (= feelings). As a result of me, it was decided that I was not the right fit for the company. This discloses a need for a sense of belonging and purpose in my work, that could be achieved through reflection time, team-building time, autonomy in the work we wo (= strategies) in the work we are doing. My request was to consider some of these strategies moving forward. My manager replied that if it is what I need to feel comfortable within our company, then I was probably not the right fit for the organisation. Therefore, we agreed to end the contract and I’m thus unemployed, but not desperate, because I realise it is time for me to follow my heart rather than my head… I’m not sure what it means yet, I’m letting it emerge… That’s the story, or the new beginning…”

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I was amazed at how she jumped to understand her situation and that one conversation supported her to be honest and authentic. I am glad that she is seeing this as a new beginning and even though she is unemployed she is not desperate. I am grateful to Marshall for creating such a beautiful thing which can bring so much self connection to our lives. Of course there is more that we all can do and I hope my time with Sylviane would have stimulated her hunger to go more deeply into NVC. Wishing her all the best with her new journey.

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Have you seen 300 people create one poem together?

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It was inspiring to see young Samara lead a gathering of 300 people through a collective poetry writing.  The exercise began with asking people to say a word and then she asked the crowd, what do they see when they hear the word. She made it clear that she will not take all the words but pick some from the ones she is hearing. I liked her  forthright transparency that she will select only some words built more trust in the group towards her as a leader. People kept adding on to the list of words and we had about a 100 words….She then asked us to  frame a poem from the words by adding two lines… “ I come from…, I move towards…./I am coming from…, I am moving towards….” by filling the blanks from the list of words that people had said.  She gave a demonstration by making a poem. Then gentle music was played as the whole group began to write their own poems.

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Samara Performing: Lets take our Power!

Once we had written the poem, she asked us to pick two lines from the poem which are most dear to us. Then she began to pick people from the crowd, She chose some one who was  an elder, or some one who is black, some one who has not been seen in the last few days, people from indigenous communities or those from  Thailand, some who had spoken and some who had not spoken, some who were the youngest.

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The Trio: Samara, Alixa and Santo

In the end there was a very diverse crowd at the center which looked like a bouquet of flowers from all over the world. There were many who were raising their hands wanting to come in but she said that she will select. There was a part  of me which wanted to be there but I decided I will trust her as the guide or the leader fully as she is holding the best for the community. I was surprised pleasantly when I saw her call me too.

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The thirty people who were handpicked by Samara were asked to read their two lines, then she asked us to think on our line and see it goes well with whose line and move closer to that person. So people then rearranged ourselves and then we heard the poem again. As I was hearing the poem there were tears in my eyes. Tears of appreciation of what beauty we can create and gratitude for Samara and Alixa who was supporting her.

Some one may have spoken a ‘lot’ but do they feel heard?

She later told me that some one was not happy that she was not picked to be the one who shared her lines. This person told Samara that you had taken some people who have spoken earlier also. I kind of agreed with the analysis of that woman, and  I had also noticed it but I had noticed some thing more significant also. I saw that the persons Samara picked up who had spoken earlier too were the ones who I thought were not heard even when they spoke. So in a group some times the facilitator tells that lets give chance to the people who have not spoken not realizing that those who have spoken have also not been heard by the group the way they would have wanted to be heard. I guess if that part of hearing can happen by the group or the facilitator there would not be any desperation for those people to speak more. I guess its important that we make the space to hear people when they speak otherwise they will also feel that they have not even spoken.

To learn more about Samara’s work check out her website: www.truthworker.com

Here is the Poem which was created by the group at the end of the process….

I come from water and soil and fire In a breath of love. I come from the tears and grief Of my forefathers Who burnt in the flames, Even as they held a candle in prayer.

The baby is here now— Crawling into the ocean, Singing with the whales, Hugging the stars. This now, this eternity Nourishes like a swirl of chaos.

I come from the roots of the stars.

I come from the swirling smoke Of the bonfires of history. I come from graveyards Moving towards the rebirth that awaits me. I move towards my innocence— The wonder hidden in my eyes.

The child that comes from the ocean And starts to sing like the birds in the sky Listening to the wisdom of the birds Singing Hallelujah.

I am crawling As a baby swirled in innocence We are hugging the oceans of tears— An ocean full of tears separates us by our grief An ever-growing chaos That is the ghost that haunts internally.

I am the song of life, the flame of the Phoenix, rising through the ashes of war.

Eu me movo por florestas Cantando, danzando Com passaros, besouros e raizes O circulo da vida.

We move towards NOW eternally Where hugs are bonfires, Hallelujah sings in the trees, And bears walk in the wisdom of the hands— Holding the bread of our stars.

We move towards the NOW In the wonder of who we are Who am I I am.

We came from the stars We came as life— Crawling, walking, joining with others In a procession of prayer.

Ghosts abandoning their graveyards to be reborn as bear, whale, trees, babies.

I come from this NOW. Stars in my prayers where rebirth sings in graveyards We come from the Hiroshima Of our New York chaos collective metaphoric experience— Welcome change!

I come from war. I move to the circle. Now I change my innocence to wisdom. This life I am singing now, hallelujah, hallelujah. Walking to eternity.

We come from Hiroshima graveyards. We are moving towards wisdom. We slowly move towards the circle Chanting STOP!

Hiroshima, the grief, the ashes— Yes, towards our rebirth. I am coming towards war, rebirth, life, eternity. The ghosts of Hiroshima have witnessed our grief. We move towards eternity as Life—transforming.

My re-birth is necessary. Tranquility covers me. I move towards eternity.

We are not dead But just in the circle of birth and rebirth Until eternity

Beyond the procession of stars, Winking over the chaos of New York Or the wonder of rebirth— An arriving babe in the beak of a stork

We are moving towards the baby of innocence Life And that eternity circle of tranquility… Swirling… Chaos… Sing it hallelujah!

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